How Far Would We Go For The Ultimate Perfect Thing

What brought me to this subculture I cannot say. It is probably somewhere inside me, the urge to push the limits, to see how far I can go. To see how much I can take before I break down, before I say STOP before I realize that nothing can shock me, make me feel uneasy, irritate me or even make me physically sick. Yes, Im talking about movies.
It started when I was a kid, secretly sneaking to movie theaters to see The Nightmare on Elm Street, Evil Dead, Alien saga or other jewels like that. I would watch all different kind of horror movies. You name it, I have most likely seen it. My taste was not unified, I never had it just for fifties u.s. horrors, Italian zombie flicks, Japanese ghost in long white night gowns and long hair, European vampires etc. I would simply watch and somehow absorb everything.
Then I started to look further and discovered so called gore genre. Starting with Cannibal Holocaust and Cannibal Ferox, going through all the Guinea Pig series, Man Behind The Sun, Scrapbook, I Spit On Your Grave, August Underground series… I have seen it all. Those movies continued where regular horror movies stopped, showing everything in detail, sometimes unnatural, sometimes truly sickening. But when you watch movies like that, you see few of them and its like you have seen everything.
Here I just add (wonder what Freud would say to this ;) ) that at the time when I was watching absolutely the goriest movies I was in a very happy relationship with a very sweet guy and I did not suffer of any complexes, wasn’t stressed or depressed, overall I was in a very happy state of mind. Which actually might explain a lot….But yes, those years when I was sitting on GP series or watching August Underground Mordum were happy days. As perverse and sick as it sounds, I insist.
What was missing was the point. Oh yes, the point of those movies was to shock mass audience, to provoke, to make you stop thinking. There you go and watch. All the ultra violence, massacres, rape, torture, fetishes… All was that, all pointless just for the sake of being there. Now don’t get me wrong, some of the gore cinema representatives were rather interesting, but overall, something was missing.
I was ready for something more sophisticated and that was the era when I was introduced to Pier Paolo Pasolini and his “Salo”. It shocked me, it scared me and I wasn’t able to think of anything else then the movie for the next month or so. I had the movie images in my head, asking my self thousand times “what if” and my head was going into overdrive, because it was something new.
Takashi Miike became soon one of my favourites with his “Visitor Q” (an excellent Japanese “remake” of Passolinis “Teorema”) closely followed by “Oodishon”.
Michael Haneke with “Funny Games” and super beautiful and maybe-not-so-much-out-of-crowd perverted “The Piano teacher”.
Lars van Trier with “Dancer in the dark”, “Dogville” and “Antichrist”
Shinya Tsukamoto and his “Tetsuo” seeing his inspiration in Jan Svankmajers work.
Gaspar Noe with “I stand alone” and “Irreversible”
Everybody has been talking about Triers “Antichrist” lately. By prudes branded as a nasty pornography (close up of Ms.Gainsborough clitoris plus mutiliation of testicles, close up of sexual acts), by many critics highly acclaimed peace of art. Movie that was said it was to be unbearable to watch (but on the other hand, so were most of the movies I mentioned in this section, lets all remember the famous “Salo” feast scene and the fact that the movie has been banned in most of the countries in the world for longer then 20 years).
Well what Im trying to say that I very much enjoy watching such a movies. Movies that push the limits, movies that make me think, movies where each act and each scene have its reasons. Movies where gore and violence and perversities have their very right reason. I love exploring the unknown, I like searching for something I have never seen before. Experiencing that kind of fear and intimidation, together with curiosity and I would even dare to say an excitement.

And just for the final (and what was actually the reason why I wrote this blog), recently I have seen “Enter The Void” = a new Gaspar Noe film. I honestly don’t know what to say or what to do now. It was the strongest experience ever, compared to this movie “Antichrist” is a harmless kids movie. Maybe now I have seen it all, because I truly cannot imagine what could beat this. But you would need to know yourself . Try to watch it (well don’t watch it if you are easily offended by movies with drug users, violence, graphic sex scenes, graphic gay sex scenes, detailed car crashes and if you suffer of epilepsy).

Night And Day. Day And Night.

So i been told "You know a lot of hotel rooms, right"

Yeah i do. All the travelling... Its exciting but sometimes also exhausting. Today i got in my hotel room and there was a personalized note ON the hotel room tv. I just switched it on and it said: "welcome in corinthia hotel Frau Stadler, we wish you a pleasant stay". So yeah, the only warm words i get from a TV nowadays. How sad is that? ;)

Other then that is everything going well. Im still quite ahead in our betting game (but no illusions, that will change eventually, the last two days were not a success at all) and i watch soccer every day (suprised, huh?). Of course i still smoke a lot, its such a stress reliever, why wasnt i doing it the whole time? Joy oh joy, how i love those tuberi sticks, cant imagine my life without them.

And also something else has happened.
Convo between meh and my favourite Irina:

Frau: Guess what, i got me a DRESS for the wedding!!!!

Irina: Oh my god, really? I cannot believe it!

Frau: And guess what color is it?

Irina: Black again?

Frau: Red, it is bright red Hugo Boss dress, i got it for a perfect price!

Irina: You? Red dress? What comes next, fire from the sky?

Frau: It of course covers my breasts well so no comments from guys expected.

Irina: Awwwwww

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See Frau Stadler is going wild! Needless to say i love the dress. Even though it was discounted i still spent a lot of money on it, but it was worth every euro, its really beautiful and sexy yet classy and elegant. Cannot wait to wear it, i dont want to sound like i brag, but im almost sure i will get more compliments then the bride hehe jk

Well anyways Im looking forward to the wedding and to see everybody. I have a lot of stress going on lately so now i will just calm down some and enjoy the company of my favourite people.

For What To Dream Of

The World Cup started.

And today i smiled for the very first time.

Sometimes it is better to let go, matters not how much you love. Give the other one all the freedom they want to have. I dont want to stand in a way of anything and anybody. He is happier now and im happy for him, if we are not even meant to be friends its ok. Eventually we both will forget this year we had together. It was nice, but yes, maybe it wasnt meant to be.

So yes, starting brand new :) What is to come i do not know. I am not giving up on love. Never ever. And im not even going to change. If they come, i will trust them. I will trust them with my life until they prove me otherwise. Call me stupid, call me naive, but i think everybody deserves their chance. And how they use it its up to them. So yeah, i am slowly redirecting.

And i watch soccer all the time im having the most fun. Im pariticipating on a betting game and its just awesome. Also im somewhat excited about China. HOw is it going to be there? Am i going to be happy there? Am i going to succeed there? Am i going to find new friends there? Am i going to find a new love there? Am i going to have a new life there?

So many questions and no answers. Its exciting. Im sad, still broken hearted, still in love but also excited. There is something new. A change is in the air and i know it is a big change, but i think it has to happen.

I am sad for leaving everybody here. But they understand plus its not like im going to die. Im still going to be there for all of them, whenever they need me. Just seeing each other will be somewhat complicated. But it is better like this. I dont want to make his life miserable, so i will just disappear completely until im sure he is gone. When he will be gone hopefully he wont feel that much hate towards me.


I have been living in one place for almost ten years, maybe it is really time to do something else again. To see the world, to meet people.

To go and find myself again.

At The Beginning There Has Always Been Darkness

And im finally starting new from the scratch.

I feel somewhat quiet and peaceful. Finally i have been able to grow up. Quite a progress, being 31, huh? But it was necessary. I was being unfair and hurtful towards more then one person and slowly it was starting to bug me. Call me selfish, unkind and immature. I really dont mind.

Right now I have only one thing on my mind and that is wondering what is to come. Im looking forward in life. Im concentrating on the present as well as on the future. I dont want my past decisions and overall my past to hunt me. What happened is history.

Maybe i needed this valuable and rather painful lesson. I dont know what I would be doing if I was looking at things from that other perspectives. I think it could ruin my life, it would make it pointless. And yet I kept going and Im ashamed to admit that until now I dont really feel that much remorse anyways. I dont know why. Am I really that heartless and cold? Am i really so cynical that hurting the one I love the most (as much as he loves me) leaves me sometimes stone cold sober?

At the moment I want to concentrate on my job. I need to bury myself in what Im doing and become even more productive. Im looking forward to our Cambodia trip. I just need to be somewhere else right now.